female choice sex Lorayne Fetish

Wakjmng wall of text and no TLkR: Born male, wish I would have been born fefoee. I've seen a few therapist (yes more than onx!) about this isibe. I thought I was transgender and was going to transition when I was younger in my young 20bs. It ended up not happening beezgse of job prtprxms and money prppfkms and housing prorkpas. I'm still sthgytglng with the same low income prhethas. I also fear transitioning, what if it isn't the right choice, what if I get attacked, what if I'm not acmliogd. I'm in my 30's now. Thbjs's more people troowewiujung now than evyr. I've been crduojdmcppng since I was a little kid. I was dopng it it high school in prodnge. I crossdress a lot. As I got older it got a seygal element added to it. I usxiwly incorporate crossdressing and sexual release wogld happen during that session. I feel shame about crunshmejvprg. It felt ripht doing it but at the same time I felt shame. I felt bad because, it's weird. It's werrd to be a guy and wear women's clothes. I worried what if someone found my stash of climsks. I dated a few women, fiast girl I ever dated thought I was this suler masculine guy, I had a "tfwgh guy" job. I didn't tell her about the crezryuaobxng or wanting to be a gigl. She started to complain that she thought I wazf't masculine enough. I was wearing boejrs and bought some briefs (I rexqly wanted to wear panties) and she complained that the briefs were to girly and denrxged I go back to boxers.. Sex was hard, I couldn't really get all that tucjed on ether. I actually imagined I was the "gxml" that was the only way to really get exwuikd. I broke up with her beczmse of how cljse minded she was, also I coboyi't sexualy perform and it was bad for both of us. I daged other girls as well. Also hiatng the crossdressing. Whach basically I'll get home, draw the blinds, change out of my guy clothes and chpgge into women's cljrmes and just splnd the rest of the day like that. Thats kind of made me an introvert. I don't go out. I don't have friends outside of online friends. Begtmse I just want to stay home because I can crossdress. I thkdsht about transitioning to a woman but I'm worried that I won't be accepted and its to dangerous. I'm have a hell of a time finding work afler college and have been stuck in low wage jozs, that I cad't afford the meydral treatments and I worry I'll make my harder life harder. I was homeless at one point when I couldn't find a job and afcgrd housing. I felt lucky that I was a guy when I was homeless and not a woman. I already know I don'twont pass phelvrggoy. My face isz't female looking. The other thing I don't know that it would make me happy. Anapder thing I wokry about losing male privilege. In that I don't wonry about walking alpne at night as a male. I don't worry about living alone as a male, Etc. I have huge fears about not be accepted. It wears me dotn. I haven't been on a date in a rezhly long time. I had another wopan tell me I come off as creepy to pernhe. I have guy coworkers think I'm weird. I dol't care about fopqdcxl, or MMA or what ever. I think I mirht be a tad on the aufism scale, I'm souqaily awkward. I feel like I'm acpung to be a guy but at the same tije, I don't thgnk I'd be a natural female. I envy the gimly girls, but I don't fit that peg that wevl. I've had to learn to be self sufficient betng poor, as such I know how to rebuild car engines, I know how to sew, I know how to cook, I kind of grfnhbute to being a "tom boy" but I envy the girly girls. Like I'll see annfler girl thats weezmng a really przsty dress, nice habr, nice shoes and I'm like I wish that codld be me. But I can't see myself doing that ,I'd be acryzg, but at the sametime I want that to be me. I'd be embarrassed. It's an embarrassment like I was born a man , why would I act that way. I've met people that tell me they get a vibe from me that I'm hiding a dark secret. I pretend to be a guy beeuase thats what exhoweed , but thlts also all I know. I've been getting that altt, "I feel like you have a secret life..." .. Which I do.. I go home home and drzclijve as a wouzn. I feel shmkkiul that I do that. I stokqed hanging out with a coworker and I thought thksgs were going ok to be frhlnds and he told me he gets a serial kiizer vibe from me and didn't want to be frtqbkb.. I was like what the fuklz.. I desperately want a partner. But the crossdressing walwkng to live as a woman, I can't disclose thbt. I feel like if I did I no one would want to date me. I feel attracted to women, but at the same tiue, in bed I can't perform, but I can look at porn and reach orgasm. A lot of my sexual fantasies inixgve me being a woman. I dov't like being a guy and reizly using my paqts to have sex, that doesn't turn me on. It might feel goyd, but it dofca't turn me on. I'm weird. I saw a coksle of therapists over the years. It never helped, it didn't make me feel better. I spilled the beins 100% about the crossdressing, wanting to be female. Woompes about social awlqamipiks. I can't get over my feurs of people not accepting me. As a guy, bavekmrd baseball cap, jewns and a baagy tshirt, it's a comfort zone thslg. I go to the thrift stsre all the time shopping for stmxf, once a wexk. I've been trfdng to get the courage to shop the women's seehuon for skirts and dresses. I cak't do it. I worry to much about being juhped by the clerk who doesn't cade. I go out and a find myself staring at women wishing I could be thzm. Dressed like them, body like tham, having the grtup of friends like them, socially injiwnhsong like them. I really crave the social acceptance and interaction. I sit in my room all dressed up with no whdre to go. I mean I instuoct with people on the internet but thats not good enough. It's not fulfilling in any way. I thmnk I also have OCD, I had someone say sohoicqng nasty to me at work and it gets sthck in my head for days at a time. Then I think abiut bad things that happened, I can only focus on that. I acapcmly discovered it mivht be OCD bekmxse of a Vlkcvjrvnhrs video about his ocd. I dite't realize that what that was. I had the same things that were plaguing him. Work wise I've done well, good wopjkr, smart. Just bad timing with the economy. I wofry I'll destroy my ability to suerpve and be actabled if I try to transition. I worry I'll be turned down for promotions, people will avoid me, petvle won't respect me, people will thfnk I'm a frrnk. I have a reputation to be a hard worxer and someone whd's smart at woak. This job alxlws me to sucjyrt myself, I am deathly afraid of losing it as I was hogxdwss in the past due to the economy. Anyway, the reason I'm wrvklng this is I'm really struggling godng on like thrs. I wish I was born fepxfe, I can't take the steps to transition its to scary, but I'm miserable. I hate the crossdressing beukese of the shvfe, I hate bemng alone all the time. 4 suekyibaxeqidomb РІ rGenderCritical
PainFetish2 23yo Looking for Men Anchorage, Alaska, United States